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Post edited 22:23 – Monday, 2009-04-06 by Ryster

Its great to see Techie Talk is back, and the new look is awesome. Shame you had to lose the old forum though, but thought I'd revive the jokes thread here!

Signs you've been touring too long…. is this you?

• You think sleeping in the console lid is comfortable.
• You never use the living room anymore cause the acoustics suck.
• Your welcome mat is gaffed down.
• You made a tape of the tour bus engine to play at night when you sleep.
• All your furniture has wheels.
• You have re-wired your whole house to use PowerCon.
• You are home for a week before you stop dialling 9 for an outside line.
• Somebody gives you the thumbs up in the street, and you look for the monitor desk to turn up the mix. 
• You lose interest in groupies. 
• Your clothing no longer resides in a dresser, but rather a duffle bag.
• You have actually installed a 3 phase supply in your house so that lighting and audio are on separate legs to eliminate hum and buzz.
• Your favourite incense smells like resin core solder.
• When you are at home, you ask your parents what is the per-diem per day.
• Everything you own has your name on it and is stenciled “FOH”.
• Your home stairs are replaced with a ramp to facilitate EASY load in.

Things you'll never hear said in production week:

• It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
• We've been ready for hours.
• There's plenty of room for more instruments over here.
• The headsets are working perfectly.
• The cue lights are working perfectly. 
• The orchestra has no complaints. 
• The whole company is standing by whenever you want them. 
• That didn't last long. 
• That went SO well! 
• We've finished early so why don't the crew get off home? 

The Actor

• Don't. Let's not talk about me.
• I've got a bit of free time; do you want a hand to unload the set? 
• I really think my big scene should be cut. 
• This costume is SO comfortable! 
• I love my shoes. 
• No problem, I can do that for myself. 
• I have a fantastic agent, here, I'll give you his number; mention me. 
• Let me stand right upstage with my back to the audience. 
• No, leave the light where it is, I'll walk into it. 
• Shall I take these cups back? 
• No, honestly, it's my round.

The Stage Crew

• Not at all, that instrument isn't in the way. 
• We'll get in early and do it tomorrow. 
• No, no, I'm sure that's our job. 
• Anything I can do to help? 
• All the tools are carefully locked away. 
• Can we do that scene change again, please? 
• It's a marvellous show! 
• I don't need this many on the crew. 
• You're all far too busy; I'll get it onstage on my own. 
• That was easy. 
• I'll do it straight after I mop the stage. 
• Another props table? Certainly. 
• No, honestly, it's my round. 
• Thanks, but I don't drink.

The Sound/Electrics Crew

• I must fix the light in the publicity office. 
• This equipment is far more complicated than we need. 
• Of course I can operate sound from here. 
• Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces. 
• Move all the lights on the FOH bar a foot to the right? No problem. 
• No problem.
• I'll do that right away. 
• All the equipment is working perfectly. 
• That had nothing to do with the computer, it was my fault. 
• I have all the equipment I need, thanks. 
• No, honestly, it's my round. 
• Thanks, but I don't drink.

The Director

• That's fine, I've got my own torch. 
• Leave it where it is, we'll re-block it. 
• We'll bring the crew onstage just before the author. 
• We'll bring the crew onstage. 
• This chair's fine, thank you. 
• Thank You. 
• We'll use it as it is. 
• Let the crew have that day. 
• That's perfect! 
• My round, are all the crew here?

The Choreographer

• This floor's fine. 
• Plenty warm enough, thank you. 
• The lights are spot on, thank you. 
• Thank you.
• Leave it as it is; we'll fit in somehow. 
• One dressing room's fine. 
• The costumes are perfect. 
• The boom positions are fine. 
• The wing space is ample, really.

The Tour Manager

A sound engineer, LD, and tour manager are walking down a beach on their day off during a long tour. They stumble across a magic lamp. Each looks at the other, before the sound man picks it up and gives the lamp a rub.

Sure enough, as with all magic lamps, a genie appears, and grants the sound man one wish. The sound engineer says to the genie “get me off this beach and as far away from here as you can! I'd like my own private island with a mansion, swimming pool, loads of fit women and enough money so that I never have to work in this stinking industry again”

There is a big flash of smoke and all and the sound guy is gone!

The lighting designer hastily picks up the magic lamp, gives it a rub, and same as before, out pops the genie. ”I will grant you one wish, master” says the genie.

“I think I will have just what my friend just wished for, but I would like you to throw in a helicopter, private jet, and full staff for my mansion, just get me out of here now!”

As before, there is a big flash and the LD disappears off to his paradise.

The Tour manager picks up the lamp, gives it a rub, and out pops the genie.

“I will grant you one wish, master” bellows the genie.

“OK,” says the tour manager, ”I want those two back here in FIVE MINUTES……………''

That will do for now, I know there were lots more before, but I can't remember them. Anyone else care to contribute?